I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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