I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
