i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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