Im at strip club and am horny
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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