The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
