Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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