I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
