peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
