I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
