And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
