I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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