He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
