I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
