I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
