He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize