I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
