Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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