How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
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That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
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It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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