Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
