the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
