I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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