this must be what syphilis tastes like
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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