so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
