three words: i give head
three words: not that well
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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