just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
