Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
