Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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