can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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