I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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