hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
