That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
