New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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