You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
