My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
