I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
