dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
