I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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