He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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