When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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