I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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