Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
