Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
