just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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