Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
