I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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