If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
