you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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