Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
