Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
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Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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