You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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