I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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