My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
