Pants 0. Shit 1.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
