five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize