I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.