those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬