thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
