i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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